it’s a tricky thing, first introductions.

I wish i was a wizard.

i’d even take a vampire…Ok maybe not a vampire, I’m still struggling with whether or not I would be cool with eternal life. The idea of losing loved ones time and time again as life passes us by would be brutal.

We often forget that facts, like us, still have to get up everyday, their pants on one leg at a time and prove themselves, just like the rest of us. The fact that something is the strongest force in existence is something something has to actively defend (and yet we don’t think about the inert diamond defending it’s title), means that it is up for debate.

To me there are several things that could be considered the strongest force. Water, seems to be up there. For many, they might be wondering “why would water be the strongest force? I drink water, bath in water, water falls from the sky, water is harmless.”

Water leaves its mark everywhere, the earth itself was shaped by water and a majority of it’s surface is covered. Many would argue water was the crucial ingredient for life to form and become as prevalent on this planet, as when we look around it’s a desert of empty dead space.

For you and me, without water we could not exist. Not only for our life to continue but for our lifestyle to continue. Showers, toilets, manufacturing and to cheat a little since its life focused, farming are all reliant on water. This is all common sense, but I just wanted to reiterate these points to help make my case about the next thing.

water is nothing without time.

time is just as powerful as time, but its a bit of an apples to oranges situation. how does water carve out riverbeds, and mountain erosion patterns? by hundreds and thousands of years of consistent pressure. how do crops grow, by waters consistent presence over time.

i’m not gonna lie, i’m a bit rambly and it’s 3am so i’ve just got a worm in my brain to get this site started.

My point I was trying to get to was, time is brutal. As someone who has experienced several close loses of people close to me the part I have struggled with is the universes continuing on like nothing changed. Everyone around me offered to help and to let them know how they could help.

Honestly, right now, think about what you would need people to do in that moment of great personal loss. If you can think of something, write it down. Or maybe don’t because you seem to be someone that won’t have the problem I had. I couldn’t think of anything I needed. I needed them back. I needed to not have lost someone. I needed to not think about what I needed and just try to get through existing. Maybe this is helpful to someone, but its how I felt and i’m sure many others go through this too. Just show up and help, don’t ask the grieving to give you a job.

but i love all those people, a huge thank you to everyone that showed up and offered. time has tried to make the world forget about them but as long as we remember we can fight the brutality of time and how it buries us beneath the ever growing layers of detritus that existence creates with each passing moment. with every loss I feel like i am growing more numb to the effects, like a scab that grows thicker on a wound that keeps getting irritated. I truly hope it’s not the case, and I don’t think it is. I just think, maybe i’ve started to love less as a coping mechanism. like a strategy to save myself from heartbreak.

there’s been so many people i’ve loved and hurt, or let fade into the background that when I went to find them again they acted like they didn’t know me, or they weren’t there for me to find. I will never have adult conversations with my mother or one of my brothers. As an adult, it’s all I want. To have one heart to heart with them, but thats wishful thinking because I ask that like i’m bargaining with whatever deity will listen. That I will be happy and satisfied and never ask for anything ever again but i know deep down that I will want it every year and act like the last time i asked was obviously not the best time and the deity was right for not doing it then, but now is the right time to do it if its gonna happen.

I’ve lost love because I couldn’t voice that it was there. Women didn’t feel like I was committed or I couldn’t voice that I was scared of commitment and needed to talk about it in a heart to heart way that our relationship felt like it would be biased in a “keep us together” way. Thats foolish thinking I know, looking back I should’ve just been more open and honest and maybe I could be happier now.

It’s such a trap to think about what could’ve been. About how life could’ve been different had you made that change, had someone not died, had you won the lottery. Life doesn’t work that way, a genie won’t show up and ask you what change you would make, so trying to rank them has no purpose but to frustrate you further.

But, I still miss them. All of them, and wish I could know a life where they were still near me.

Recently I heard the phrase “Learn to love the thing you wish never happened” and it’s helped me reframe a lot of the grief. I am who I am, a person I like, because of those moments that led me here. I can understand a certain persons belief in predestination, as where I am is not a place I would have chosen but its the best path I could’ve taken at the moment.

I know that’s not something everyone can say, and that’s something I hope I can learn to understand without having to take myself to a place of poverty to understand, but life is funny and God will have the last laugh I am sure.

The loss I have experienced both to relationships and death have been something I could not imagine compounding over decades, if not centuries. We talk about eternal life life it’s some attainable goal through science and medicine and how it’s an desirable achievement, but life as we know it hasn’t even existed 100 years, let alone 1000, imagine it 10000 what it will be like. And if you factor losing 5-10 people every 10 years (i’m just throwing out numbers based on my experience) then thats a lot of grief to compound.

That amount of grief would be a huge weight against the idea of living forever, I guess you could just eat a lot of garlic bread to end it all which honestly might not be the worst.

Ok, I’ll take vampire again.