My legs are longer than most, I did not choose this. Being tall has its benefits for sure and I’m not complaining necessarily, I’m just tired of slowing down because my casual walk is someone else’s brisk pace.
I do not recognize I am moving quicker, I do not understand why the world passes me in a blur, I am confused when I am at the end before I am ready.
The blood that pumps through my veins must travel a farther distance, and so my hands and feet go to sleep like they have been working overtime. Is my heart bigger because it must work a little harder?
My brother died from an enlarged heart. Just fell over one day, he was in his 40s. He was a great man, and if that doesn’t encapsulate who he was then I don’t know if I will ever be able to put it into words.
My lungs might be bigger, should I take deeper breathes? Should I push myself to make them work at their full capacity to ensure they work 100% for the rest of my life, or is being short of breath ok?
My mother died of mesothelioma, and had 1/3 of one lung left at the end, because they had to remove the rest. She was the strongest person I have ever met, the way she carried herself to the end has inspired me to live my life to the fullest.
So I say again, should I push my lungs to work harder? Should I make my heart beat faster in order for it to exercise itself? Is it my head, brain or mind that aches?
Because I’m large, does that mean I feel bigger? Have my emotions become unwieldy, and I struggle under the weight of them? When I have moments alone with my thoughts, I seldom come away with a dry face. My heart beats faster, my lungs exhale more and my head hurts.
What then when you take my breath away? Should I be upset that I must now work to replace what you have stolen? Should I be frightened that you will do it again? Is it excitement or fear? Excitement for the future, and fear of the pain?
It wasn’t you the last time that broke this, I know it was me. I understand that I was unable to love. Time has caught up with me, and I have read the words carved into my soul by the ghosts. They stand behind me, whispering their reassurances and calming me in moments of chaos.
They shout their love through the universes speakers, the arms of existence embrace me again as I learn to love who I am and the world around me.
Flowers bloom and I am proud of them for having dealt with the terror that means to be live and be free.
